TEENAGERS AND SELF HARM

It isn’t uncommon for young people to self-harm. Sometimes self-harming is temporary – but it can result from serious emotional distress. There can be lasting consequences if teenagers who are hurting themselves don’t get treatment. Counselling can help them learn how to manage distressing feelings in the future.

About self-harm

Self-harm is when people deliberately hurt themselves as a way of coping with painful or strong emotions. It’s a way of trying to get control over those feelings. For some people, the attempt to control or stop feelings through self-harm is actually a way of trying to heal themselves.
Self-harm is generally a sign that a person is in deep distress.
Self-harm happens in different ways, some more obvious and serious than others. Forms of self-harm include:

• cutting
• scratching
• carving
• branding or marking the body
• picking at scabs so they don’t heal
• pulling hair
• burning or grazing yourself
• biting, bruising or hitting
• hitting a part of your body on something hard.

Teenagers most commonly self-harm by cutting, scratching or burning themselves.
Some teenagers and young people self-harm in less obvious but still serious ways. These include binge-drinking, taking lots of drugs, having unsafe sex or starving themselves.
Digital self-harm or self-cyberbullying is when teenagers create alternative online identities for themselves on social media sites and post cruel comments about themselves. The alternative identities might also get cruel comments from other people. Teenagers might do this to test other people’s attitudes towards them or as a way of making personal pain feel ‘real’.
Self-harm: a serious issue
Self-harm needs to be taken seriously. Repeated self-harm can lead to serious injuries, like scarring, medical conditions and accidental death, even if the young person isn’t trying to commit suicide.
Up to half of young people who self-harm have had serious thoughts of suicide. Some young people who self-harm attempt suicide because they feel bad about their self-harming behaviour. 

Why teenagers self-harm

Teenagers self-harm for different reasons.
Self-harm might be something teenagers try once or twice out of curiosity, or it might be a sign of serious stress or distress. They might self-harm to:

• release stress or strong feelings
• distract themselves from difficult feelings – for example, after a relationship breakdown
• escape from a difficult situation or feelings
• show desperation or seek help
• influence other people’s behaviour
• ‘get back at’ other people
• feel in control
• feel ‘something’ – for example, some young people say they can’t feel emotions so they get relief from feeling physical pain
• express feelings of hopelessness, low self-esteem or self-hatred
• express the belief that they can’t be helped.

Self-harming can become a habit or an ‘addiction’ if young people and teenagers rely on it to cope with emotional pain or distress. In this situation, the relief that the person experiences during or after self-harming reinforces the behaviour as a response to unbearable or difficult emotions. 
Sometimes teenagers ‘zone out’ and don’t feel pain when they’re self-harming.

When your child is self-harming: what to do

If you find out your child is self-harming, you might feel afraid, guilty, shocked, panicked or even angry.
It can be hard to understand what’s going on and why – and your child might not have the words to tell you. But by staying calm, being respectful, not judging and actively listening, you might get some insight into your child’s thoughts and feelings and some ideas about how you can help.
The most important thing is letting your child know that strong feelings are normal – but they’re also hard to have. And when you’re in your teens, things can seem even harder.
If you find your child self-harming
If you find your child in the act of self-harming, avoid reacting with anger or threats. Saying that your child is just doing it for attention won’t help either. Most self-harm isn’t about getting attention.
It’s best to speak calmly, directly and without judgment. You might say something like, ‘I can see that you’re very upset. I hadn’t realised things had built up so much. You can talk to me about this. I won’t get angry at you’.
If your child seems to be ‘zoned out’ or unresponsive during the act – which is common – say your child’s name calmly and quietly and ask him to tell you where he is. Ask him if you can get help.
Provide first aid for any cuts or injuries in a calm way without fuss. Get medical attention for anything that looks serious. This can show your child that her body is important and worth caring for.
You might say something like, ‘I’d like to help you heal those cuts’ or ‘Let’s get some antiseptic to help those cuts heal quickly’.
Talking about self-harming
You can ask your child some questions about the self-harm, bearing in mind that people who self-harm might feel ashamed about it. That’s why it’s important to stay calm, not judge and listen silently without interrupting.
For example:

• ‘I noticed the scars on your arm. I hope it’s OK to say that. Can you tell me about the times when you hurt yourself?’
• ‘I can see that you’re very upset. You might be scared. I’m scared too. Together we can work this out.’
• ‘The fact that you’re self-harming tells me you’re very upset. You might not like it that I’ve found out. I’m not going to ask you lots of questions but I do want to help – when you’re ready.’

Your child might be able to stop self-harming on his own, or he might need support from a professional such as a GP, counsellor or psychologist. You can encourage this by saying, ‘I can see you’re really upset. It might help to talk to someone who knows more about this than I do’.
If you don’t know what to do, call your GP or local mental health service.

Getting help for self-harming teenagers

If your child is self-harming, professional assessment and treatment are very important. Professional help can also help you support your child at home.
A health professional might recommend different therapies depending on your child’s needs. Treatment might include psychological therapy or counselling and parent or family therapy.
Counselling can help teenagers understand why they’re self-harming, what triggers the self-harming and how to stop. It might include helping teenagers to understand and manage strong emotions, and learn more effective ways of managing and expressing strong thoughts and feelings.
Your child might need to try a few times, or try a few different therapies, before she can give up self-harm. Different therapies work for different people. You can support your child in trying different approaches until she finds something that works for her.
While your child is working with a health professional, you can also let your child know that reaching out to friends or family when something upsetting happens is a normal way to cope.

If your child isn’t comfortable seeing a health professional, you can suggest he uses online or phone support services such as Lifeline, Kids Helpline for Teens and eheadspace.

Looking after yourself

It can be hard to support a young person who self-harms, understand your own reactions and manage the needs of other family members. Here are a few ways to look after your own health and wellbeing as you go through this difficult experience:

• Ask for help from family, friends or members of your support network. You can ask them to give you a call or send you an SMS, or to look after your other children while you take some time out for yourself.
• Make some time every day to be on your own to read a book, watch a TV show or write about your thoughts and feelings. Start with five minutes at the end of the day if that’s all you have.
• Make time for some physical activity – for example, walking, yoga or swimming. A bit of exercise can give you more energy for supporting your child.
• Seek help for yourself if you’re distressed, or you just want to talk about the effect of your child’s behaviour on you. Your GP, a psychologist or counsellor is a good person to talk to about this.

Looking after yourself can make it easier to support your child. It also gives your child a good example of seeking help when distressed.