These 20 tips can encourage good behaviour in
teenagers.
1. Take time to actively
listen
Actively listening means playing close attention to what your child is saying and feeling, rather than thinking of what you want to say next. This shows your child that you care and that you’re interested.
2. Set clear rules about
behaviour
Clear rules make your expectations clear. If you can, involve all family members in the discussions about rules. Try to keep the rules positive. For example, instead of saying ‘Don’t be disrespectful,’ you could say, ’We speak to each other with respect’.
Clear rules make your expectations clear. If you can, involve all family members in the discussions about rules. Try to keep the rules positive. For example, instead of saying ‘Don’t be disrespectful,’ you could say, ’We speak to each other with respect’.
3. Broken rules: follow up
calmly, firmly and consistently
You can do this by using a brief and fair consequence that you and your child have agreed on in advance. This will also help you communicate your expectations about future behaviour.
You can do this by using a brief and fair consequence that you and your child have agreed on in advance. This will also help you communicate your expectations about future behaviour.
4.
Encourage self-reflection
If you need to use a consequence, explain why you’re doing it. This gives your child the chance to reflect on what she could change to stop the problem coming up again. For example, you could say something like, ‘Gemma, I get worried when you stay out late without telling me what you’re doing. Next time, I’ll pick you up at 10 pm. What could you do differently next time?’
If you need to use a consequence, explain why you’re doing it. This gives your child the chance to reflect on what she could change to stop the problem coming up again. For example, you could say something like, ‘Gemma, I get worried when you stay out late without telling me what you’re doing. Next time, I’ll pick you up at 10 pm. What could you do differently next time?’
Follow up by asking your child what a fair
consequence would be if it happens again.
5. Try to be a positive role
model
Children – even teenagers – do as you do, so being a role model for your child is a powerful and positive way to guide your child’s behaviour.
Children – even teenagers – do as you do, so being a role model for your child is a powerful and positive way to guide your child’s behaviour.
Creating a set of family rules is a great place to
start. When your child sees you following those rules yourself, he gets a
powerful example. Try to remember the saying, ‘Do as I do, not just as I say!’
6. Choose your battles
Before you get into conflict over your child’s behaviour, ask yourself, ‘Does this really matter?’ and ‘Is this really worth fighting about?’ Less negative feedback means fewer opportunities for conflict and bad feelings.
Before you get into conflict over your child’s behaviour, ask yourself, ‘Does this really matter?’ and ‘Is this really worth fighting about?’ Less negative feedback means fewer opportunities for conflict and bad feelings.
7. Take your child seriously
Your child is an individual and she needs to know that she’s valued and accepted for who she is. One way to do this is by taking her developing ideas and opinions seriously, even if you don’t necessarily agree with them.
Your child is an individual and she needs to know that she’s valued and accepted for who she is. One way to do this is by taking her developing ideas and opinions seriously, even if you don’t necessarily agree with them.
8. Let go of the wheel
sometimes
Learning to handle responsibility is one of the biggest challenges of adolescence, and an important step towards becoming an adult. Giving your child responsibility in certain areas – such as letting him choose his own clothes or hairstyle – can help increase autonomy and independence. It can also help you avoid battles over the little things.
Learning to handle responsibility is one of the biggest challenges of adolescence, and an important step towards becoming an adult. Giving your child responsibility in certain areas – such as letting him choose his own clothes or hairstyle – can help increase autonomy and independence. It can also help you avoid battles over the little things.
9. Tackle problems in a
positive way
Whether it’s an argument with your child or a disagreement with your partner, using positive problem-solving skills to sort things out will keep you calm. It also gives your child a great example to follow.
Whether it’s an argument with your child or a disagreement with your partner, using positive problem-solving skills to sort things out will keep you calm. It also gives your child a great example to follow.
10. Praise your child
Descriptive praise and encouragement are powerful motivators. Teenagers might seem self-sufficient, but your child still wants and needs your approval. When you notice and comment on your child’s responsible choices and positive behaviour, you can encourage her to keep behaving in that way.
Descriptive praise and encouragement are powerful motivators. Teenagers might seem self-sufficient, but your child still wants and needs your approval. When you notice and comment on your child’s responsible choices and positive behaviour, you can encourage her to keep behaving in that way.
11. Plan ahead for difficult
conversations
When you need to have a difficult conversation, it’s a good idea to think ahead about what you’ll say and how your child might feel. This can help you head off conflict.
When you need to have a difficult conversation, it’s a good idea to think ahead about what you’ll say and how your child might feel. This can help you head off conflict.
Arranging a time and place where you can have some
privacy also helps. For example, ‘Izzy, I’d like to make a time to talk with
you about some things that are happening around the house. We can talk about it
over pizza on Saturday night. OK?’
12. Keep ‘topping up’ your
relationship
It might help to think of your relationship with your child as a sort of bank account. Spending time together, having fun and giving help and support are ‘deposits’, but arguments, blaming and criticism are ‘withdrawals’. The trick is to keep the account balanced – or even in the black.
It might help to think of your relationship with your child as a sort of bank account. Spending time together, having fun and giving help and support are ‘deposits’, but arguments, blaming and criticism are ‘withdrawals’. The trick is to keep the account balanced – or even in the black.
13. Share your feelings
Telling your child honestly how his behaviour affects you can help your relationship. ‘I’ statements can be a big help here. For example, saying ‘I really worry when you don’t come home on time’ will probably get a better response than ‘You know you’re supposed to ring me after school!’
Telling your child honestly how his behaviour affects you can help your relationship. ‘I’ statements can be a big help here. For example, saying ‘I really worry when you don’t come home on time’ will probably get a better response than ‘You know you’re supposed to ring me after school!’
14. Learn to live with
mistakes
Everybody makes mistakes, and nobody’s perfect. It’s all about how you deal with mistakes – both your own and your child’s – when they happen. Taking responsibility for mistakes is a good first step, and then working out what you can do to make things better might be your next move.
Everybody makes mistakes, and nobody’s perfect. It’s all about how you deal with mistakes – both your own and your child’s – when they happen. Taking responsibility for mistakes is a good first step, and then working out what you can do to make things better might be your next move.
Saying sorry to your child when you make a mistake
helps to keep your relationship going well.
15. Look for ways to stay
connected
You can stay connected with your child by spending special and enjoyable time together.
You can stay connected with your child by spending special and enjoyable time together.
The great thing is that sometimes the best moments
are casual and unplanned, such as when your child decides to tell you about her
day at school over the washing up. When these moments happen, try to stop what
you’re doing and give your child your full attention. This sends the message,
‘You’re important to me and I love you’.
16. Respect your child’s need
for privacy
Teenagers crave some privacy and a space of their own.
Teenagers crave some privacy and a space of their own.
Asking for your child’s permission to enter his
room, and not going through his diary or belongings, are ways to show this
respect. Another way might be to think about what you really need to know, and
what can be left as private between your child and his friends.
17. Encourage a sense of
belonging
Family rituals can give your child a sense of stability and belonging at a time when lots of other things around her – and inside her – might be changing. Some families might choose to have Friday family pizza nights, pancakes for breakfast on Sundays, or particular traditions for celebrating birthdays.
Family rituals can give your child a sense of stability and belonging at a time when lots of other things around her – and inside her – might be changing. Some families might choose to have Friday family pizza nights, pancakes for breakfast on Sundays, or particular traditions for celebrating birthdays.
18. Keep promises
When you follow through on promises, good or bad, your child learns to trust and respect you. Be clear and consistent.
When you follow through on promises, good or bad, your child learns to trust and respect you. Be clear and consistent.
19. Have realistic
expectations
Teenagers will be teenagers. Just as you might do, your child will probably slip up and break the rules sometimes. Teenagers and their brains are still under construction – they’re still working out who they are. Testing boundaries is all part of the process, so it helps to be realistic about your child’s behaviour.
Teenagers will be teenagers. Just as you might do, your child will probably slip up and break the rules sometimes. Teenagers and their brains are still under construction – they’re still working out who they are. Testing boundaries is all part of the process, so it helps to be realistic about your child’s behaviour.
20. Look for the funny side of
things
Laughing or making jokes can help diffuse tension and possible conflict, and stop you and your child taking things too personally. You can also sometimes use a joke or a laugh to kick off a difficult conversation.
Laughing or making jokes can help diffuse tension and possible conflict, and stop you and your child taking things too personally. You can also sometimes use a joke or a laugh to kick off a difficult conversation.
